


Hold, Hold on to Me, 'Cause I'm a Little Unsteady

by Signsofsam



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, The Buckley's A+ Parenting, idek, post-episode 4x04, reaction fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:13:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29326026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Signsofsam/pseuds/Signsofsam
Summary: "Those are my parents, Eddie. And you know what the worst part is? For awhile...I thought that maybe that’s just how it was supposed to be. That people just didn’t love me. Or maybe that parents just didn’t love their kids, because mine never did.“But then...then I saw how Hen and Karen adore Denny and Nia, and how Athena treats May and Harry and how Bobby just seamlessly becomes this parental figure to anyone who needs it. And I see you with Chris, and how much you love him and would sacrifice for him and I don’t understand why my parents couldn’t love me like that. What is wrong with me that I don’t deserve that love?”
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 20
Kudos: 400
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	Hold, Hold on to Me, 'Cause I'm a Little Unsteady

**Author's Note:**

> I guess sad!Buck is my muse, because here we go, again, another 4x04 fic. Also, in this fic, Buddie is established.
> 
> Title is from _Unsteady_ by X Ambassadors.

“Is he with you?”

Maddie sounds tired, worried, and Eddie sighs, glancing into the master bedroom, where Buck’s still curled up, asleep, wrapped around Eddie’s pillow. “He’s here. He was really messed up when he got here, couldn’t really tell me what happened. I put him to bed, figured I’d try again in the morning.”

“It’s bad, Eddie. He’s got twenty-nine years of understandable resentment built up, and it all came out. They were so awful to him and I didn’t realize how badly he was hurt and I just-he didn’t call me back, and I wanted to check on him.”

“I’ll take care of him, Maddie; you know I will. It sounds like he’s not the only one who had a rough night; you should try and get some rest. I know I don’t have to tell you that stress is bad for the baby, and you know Buck wouldn’t want to hurt his niece.” He hears the cry on the other end of the line, and Chim’s voice calling to her in worry. “Hey, I’ll talk to Buck, and we’ll do lunch tomorrow, okay? Chim and I will get you two through this; you don’t have to just lean on each other now. We’re both here for you now, like family should be.”

“Thank you. And thank you, for taking care of Evan like he deserves. I really appreciate it.”

“You never have to thank me for that, Mads. He’s easy to love and easy to care for.” He stays on the line long enough to tell her goodbye, and then goes to check to make sure their late night visitor hadn’t woke Chris, but his son is still fast asleep, the stuffed dinosaur Buck got him when he had to come home early from camp clutched close to his chest. He gives his son a soft kiss, running his hand through his bedraggled curls, and can’t help but think of a young Buck, and of parents who someone failed their children at every turn.

How could _anyone_ not love their child? Even after failing Chris as many times as he has, he loves him fiercely, wants to be a better father and better person for him.

How could any parent not want that?

He retreats back to the master, putting his phone on the charger, crawling into bed to curl around Buck. His boyfriend shifts to accommodate him, even in his sleep, and Eddie ends up sharing Buck’s pillow, one hand tangled with Buck’s, close enough to his boyfriend’s chest to feel his heart beat. 

He falls asleep to the soft, steady rhythm.

He wakes up to Buck’s blue eyes watching him wearily. 

“Hey, you,” he whispers, reaching up to cup the curve of Buck’s jaw, smiling as his boyfriend places the softest of kisses to his palm.

“I’m going to make us coffee; it’s still early,” Buck answers, slipping from the covers, avoiding looking at Eddie as he pads out to the kitchen. Eddie gives him his time, because Buck hates being soft and weak in front of others, even in front of Eddie, probably because he was never able to be vulnerable with his parents.

It pains Eddie to think about everything they fucked up in Buck.

He’s thinking about leaving the bed, following Buck, when the door opens and Buck comes in with two cups of coffee, handing Eddie his before sliding back to his side of the bed (and oh how quickly has Eddie’s bed been split into his side and Buck’s side, just like his closet is now his rack and Buck’s rack and how there are his mugs and Buck’s mugs in the kitchen). Eddie waits patiently for Buck to start, because he knows him, he knows he’s the one who’s going to need to start this conversation.

“Do you know growing up, they never once came to anything involving me? No plays, no spelling bees, no games, nothing. Maddie tried, but then she went to school and then she met Doug, and, well...but not my parents. Not Margaret and Phillip. They never told me they loved me, or that they were proud of me...it’s like they had me, and...that was that. There’s a child here but clearly Maddie can raise it to be a good person because we’re certainly not going to take the time because apparently my birth was the greatest disappointment they could have had and nothing I ever did was going to be good enough to get over that disappointment.”

“Buck-”

“You know they never--not once--came to the hospital? Not for the ladder truck, not the embolism; they didn’t even call after the tsunami. They didn’t even fight for Maddie, _knowing_ what Doug was like. They didn’t go to her wedding, but I did. She needed people in her corner, and they wouldn’t be that. They weren’t even a safe place for her to run; she had to come thousands of miles to me, because she knew she could. How fucked up is that? Those are my parents, Eddie. And you know what the worst part is? For awhile...I thought that maybe that’s just how it was supposed to be. That people just didn’t love me. Or maybe that parents just didn’t love their kids, because mine never did.

“But then...then I saw how Hen and Karen adore Denny and Nia, and how Athena treats May and Harry and how Bobby just seamlessly becomes this parental figure to anyone who needs it. And I see you with Chris, and how much you love him and would sacrifice for him and I don’t understand why my parents couldn’t love me like that. What is wrong with me that I don’t deserve that love?”

Buck barely gets the last words out between the choked sobs, the keening noise he makes a dagger straight through Eddie’s heart. He wants to confront these two assholes who have somehow given birth (but not raised, clearly) two of the best people Eddie knows; he wants to ask them how could they just not care, how could they not see how good their children were?

Instead, he pulls Buck into a tight hug, pressing his face into the curve of Eddie’s neck, running a soothing hand through his boyfriend’s curls, just as he knows Buck likes. “ _T ú mereces amor, cariño. Tú mereces todo_. And I know it’s not the same. I know it’s never going to entirely fill the hole your absolutely incompetent parents blasted through your heart, but Buck, we love you. Bobby and Athena and Hen and Chim and Maddie? They love you. Chris loves you so, so much. And I love you. God, I don’t know half the time what I’ve done to deserve your love, but I’m never going to take it for granted. You are so incredibly easy to love, Buck, you make it so easy.”

“If I make it so easy, why couldn’t they at least try?” It’s a whispered confession into the warm skin of Eddie’s neck, but it’s breaking his heart, the raw pain running through his boyfriend’s words.

“Because sometimes you making it easy still requires someone else to take a step forward and do their part, and your parents seem unwilling to take that step. But that’s not your fault, and you can’t blame yourself for their inaction. All you can do is let go or decide what your relationship is going to be with them, based on your rules, not theirs’.”

Buck doesn’t say anything in response, letting out a deep breath as he nuzzles closer into the crook of Eddie’s neck, grazing a kiss to the top of his collarbone, and for a bit, there’s silence, the only movement the steady trail of Eddie’s fingers through Buck’s hair. For awhile, it’s Eddie being Buck’s support, holding him up until he’s ready to do it on his own once more, and Eddie is more than happy to be that person for Buck.

He’s more than happy to show Buck care.

To show Buck love.

“Chris is going to be up soon,” Buck finally says, and of course it’s the first thing he’s going to think about: Eddie’s son, the little boy he loves like his own. “He shouldn’t see me like this. I’m a mess.”

“He doesn’t care if you’re a mess or you’re put together; he loves that you’re here with him, that you want to be here with him,” Eddie replies, leaning in to kiss Buck softly. “I’ll go wake him up. You want to start breakfast?”

Buck makes chocolate chip pancakes, because they’re Chris’ favorite. He’s not his normal, happily chatting self, but it doesn’t matter, just like Eddie told him; Chris doesn’t care. He understands that sometimes, people are down or people are up, but their love is the same. He understands that his hugs are magical, and gives Buck his biggest and tightest before he gets out of the truck at school. He calls, “love you Bucky!” as he walks towards the building.

He misses the wide, genuine smile on Buck’s face afterwards. He misses the tears that start to gather in the corner of Buck’s eyes, even if Eddie doesn’t. It’s another little piece of cemented love to fill the hole Margaret and Phillip left.

They go to lunch with Chim and Maddie, and she hugs Buck tight and Eddie can _see_ how Buck reinflates again, anger and pain and disappointment melting away. He sees how Buck’s hand immediately touches Maddie’s stomach, smiles again when he feels the kick. He watches Maddie laugh, and the hole keeps filling, small bit by small bit. Maddie tells them the big bad Buckley secret, and it seems like they take a step back, the hole splinters and grows, but it’s okay, because it’s not just Buck and Maddie to figure it out alone: they have Eddie and Chim and the rest of their found family. There is no trying to constantly be better because to them, to their family, they’re both enough without changing. There’s no dead child with unrealistic expectations to live up to with their found family.

There’s still a mountain to climb to get out of the damage Margaret and Phillip left behind, but Eddie knows, without a doubt, he’ll make that journey by Buck’s side, no matter how long it takes, how many setbacks there are.

Buck’s worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> Translations (feel free to correct me if Google Translate and I are wrong):
> 
>  _"Tú mereces amor, cariño. Tú mereces todo."_ : You deserve love, sweetheart. You deserve everything.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Thank you in advance for all the comments and kudos! You can find me [here](https://signsofsam.tumblr.com/) on tumblr, where I spoil myself on the episodes because I definitely don't actually get to watch the new eps until Tuesday.


End file.
